When I was young, I was a little naïve. I slept with men because I didn’t feel like I could say no. I slept with them because I there was a part of me, that wanted to make them happy, even if it’s not what I really wanted.
Sex was just this thing that I did. I got drunk, horny, overly confident (which was really just a cover up for the insecurities that I had) and the next thing you know, I would be sleeping with a guy. Many times, it was someone I had just met that night. And whilst I am not saying that doing this is wrong, it never truly felt right to me. Even though i was young, there was still a part of me that knew I was dishonouring myself…
And sometimes, yes, you might just need a good, hard, fuck, sure. But when sex isn’t satisfying your soul, whether it’s slow, or dirty and primal AF then it aint right. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, there should always be that longing for the other; that magnetic pull.
When I was younger, sex wasn’t an act of honour. It wasn’t something that was done with reverence for myself or for the other person. I had no concept of it being something that could help me connect with the divine; to know God (unconditional love). It certainly didn’t feel as sacred as what someone’s cock hitting my vagina, right next to my baby making centre should have been, that’s for sure.
The first time I had sex, it hurt. I cried and was glad it was over. And whilst I loved the person, it wasn’t exactly an experience that helped me to know sex, as sex should be known. Why don’t we ever get educated on this kind of thing? Sex is by far one of the most magical, sacred acts two people can engage in. It creates life. It binds two together to become one, through an act of sacred union. It is a union of two energies; it is quite literally a transference of one person’s DNA to another’s.
Sex is meditation. It helps you to surrender the mind and to drop into a space of feeling. Of joy. And yet, we never really get taught just how special it is. I don’t remember really ever being told about it. It was always “be careful… wear a condom.. don’t do this or that” but there was never any emphasis on how beautiful it is. And the funny thing is, the mind is funny in that if you tell it not to do something, it will respond by creating the thought of “I’m going to do that”. So the very act of telling your child not to do something, is going to create intrigue.
I used to make up for my lack of self worth, by being over dramatic. I would drink and put on “sexy” where I didn’t feel it for myself. To try and feel loved where I didn’t know how to love myself and give myself what I needed in my own life. I gave myself away, constantly. A damsel in distress, hoping that one day, a man would see through my acts of desperation, to love me where I didn’t love myself. And yet, ironically, when I got what I wanted and landed myself in a loving relationship, I would find some way to destroy it because there was still a void inside of me. I still didn’t love myself and so no amount of love from someone else could make up for this. It always appeared as though my boyfriends were not enough and yet, looking back on a number of relationships I have had, I can now see that the “not enough” was really a projection of my own sh**. I wasn’t happy in myself and I was projecting that into my relationships.
Eventually, though, I got tired of going out and drinking my way into a mans lap. I wanted something more. Something more “serious.”…A relationship.
And I had many relationships, back to back for years. I came out of one and then found myself falling into another. But still, I never truly felt satisfied because I was still looking for something where I didn’t feel it for myself. I never looked at myself in the mirror and felt truly satisfied with what I saw. I never sat with myself and thought “fuck, I love you, Sigourney” and so any kind of compliment or gesture of love from anyone else could never truly penetrate my heart. Every act of love reverberated back off the giant fucking wall I had put up around my heart. I was never truly able to surrender enough to let love in because I didn’t believe I was worthy of it.
“People can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
You can only ever expect others to meet you as deeply as you’ve met yourself.
Unless you can get vulnerable and intimate with yourself, then how can you let another person see you in your vulnerability? If I asked you, right now, to name what you love about yourself, could you? If I asked you to tell me what you love and what makes you, you, could you? How well do you know your own source of love?
I only ever gave half of me, for years. I never truly let my guard down.
But after my last long term relationship, I realised I could no longer give love without already having it, for myself. I realised that I was constantly depending on love, instead of creating it myself. I destroyed so many relationships because my fear of intimacy meant I could never really let men in and my last relationship was the breaking point. I knew I needed to start looking for what I wanted in myself, first.
I used to ruin relationships because I let myself get bitter at the other person because I was constantly giving up my own hopes and aspirations because I thought that someone else’s love would give me everything that I needed. That it would dissolve my need for anything else…that I would fall in love and everything else would fall into place. What I didn’t realise, was that true, unconditional love, first required me to love myself.
In hindsight, all of the relationships I destroyed because I wasn’t happy and because I didn’t feel “right” were really just showing me that I had not met my own needs, first. I was really just bitter at myself, because I wasn’t meeting my own needs because I had some crazy fairy tale story in mind… a belief that a man could fulfil me where I couldn’t fulfil myself.
And when you don’t have self awareness, it can seem as though it is someone else making you unhappy. And yet, if we are ever unhappy, it can be no-ones fault but our own. Happiness is a feeling that is created INSIDE of ourselves. It is something that is generated within us and so nothing outside of us truly has the power to make us unhappy. Note: if you are having difficulty in a relationship, ask yourself, where you are compromising yourself in some way, or another? Where are you lacking in communication? Where are you giving away your power, believing that happiness will be delivered to you, instead of creating it?
After a good 5 years of back to back relationships, I decided that I needed to start working on myself, first. And without really being aware that I was making this choice, I turned inwards to explore myself and in the process, nearly went celibate. Not quite celibate, but almost… I went from always having someone, to only having fleeting experiences with men.
I started to learn to validate my own sense of worth from the inside, first. I became obsessed with self exploration and personal development; consumed with the pursuit finding what I was passionate about. I decided to look for what really turned me on (men aside) and what I wanted to create in my own life. And in the midst of all of my soul searching, little did I realise that I had gone from one extreme to another. From being addicted to men, to shutting myself off from them (and my own sexuality).
My “spiritual” pursuit to find happiness within myself, actually turned into an addiction, aswell. I went from trying to find happiness in the external world to becoming addicted to retreating inside of myself and my own little comfortable dream world. I had learned about what made me happy, but I had forgotten how to connect with others, both in everyday life and in relationships. In fact, I had completely forgotten how to have a relationship.
It was only this week that I realised that for a couple of years now, I have been wearing a giant “unavailable” sign on my head. I had unconsciously disconnected from my sexuality because after years of abusing it, I didn’t feel worthy of it. I was punishing myself for dishonouring myself and my own body, by not letting any pleasure in. I was ashamed of myself and my sexuality, and the way that I had misused it.
These days, there is so much negative stigma around sexuality that it’s easy to have difficulty surrendering to the process of simply enjoying sex. We so often worry about the logistics of a relationship that we forget to actually just enjoy it for what it is. The label of “slut” gets thrown about when women flaunt their sexuality and we constantly worry about what we should or shouldn’t say to someone when we are first starting out. Or whether its “a thing”… whether to try and label it. Logistics, logistics, blah, blah. We think so much about everything that often, we don’t allow ourselves to simply enjoy the process.
I say, if it feels good, go with it and see where it takes you. If it doesn’t, don’t.
I was totally unaware that since my last long term relationship, I had suppressed my sexual desires. So much so, that I had turned into a lifeless, sexless zombie. I have learnt that when you completely cut something out of your life and you hide away from it, it ends up ruling you. The suppression of my own needs for sexual pleasure ended up feeding a new addiction: the need to find fulfilment through my spiritual practises. Because I had suppressed my sexuality, I compensated and became a spiritual junkie (not in a good way). I had become overly serious, righteous and a little narcissistic. Basically, I was a douche bag.
My addiction to pleasure had been replaced by one of purpose and I had lost the balance, once again.
It’s all about balance.
I believe that we all need pleasure in our lives, just as much as we need to feel a sense of purpose. When we chase one, over the other, we become imbalanced and end up losing ourselves. I was speaking to a friend recently that said he knew one of the masseuses that treated the Dalai Lama and some of the monks in the Dalai Lama’s monastery. The masseuse had told my friend that he treats so many of the monks for depression. When you suppress the part of you that desires pleasure and play, it grows as a darkness within you and eats away at you. Absolutely everyone has an innate need for both pleasure and purpose.
In relationships, I believe that the perfect comes about when two individuals that know themselves, come together and weave their lives together from that place. When two people that are satisfied with who they are and where they are heading come together and are able to exchange pleasure with one another, without needing anything from one another because they already have it within themselves. When love is neutral, instead of feeling like a push, or a pull. When it is unconditional.
Just this week, I realised that after a few years of self exploration, I now have a general idea of what I want and where I am going. So, I have consciously decided to open myself back up again, to l love. Neutral love. Unconditional love.
I decided to send the thought form out to the universe “I’d be happy with someone to come into my life… but I am also happy with my own company… if there is someone that would add to my life, I am open to it…”
And after going down two extreme pathways, of chasing men and then, also shutting them out, I have decided to go with a third option: to love myself and to welcome someone into that space. To drop my ideas around what pleasure looks like and to simply be open to it, when it comes my way. To drop the sexual shame and embrace the joy that it gives me. And when something feels good, to experience it, without needing anything more than what it is, in the moment. But without dismissing my need for more, either.
I open myself to being with a man for no reason other than because it feels good.