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I laid on the ground facing this beautiful woman who was wrapped up in a blanket, pulled up to her chin. She looked back at me, dark almond shaped eyes like an Egyptian goddess.

We had just been dancing “the erotic mother” archetype at a one day dancing eros event.
Dancingeros is an embodied dance practise founded and growing on the East coast of Australia. It involves dancing through some of the feminine archetypal energies, such as the maiden, the wild woman and the erotic mother. If you know of the famous psychologist, Carl Jung, you might of heard of his theory on archetypes.

Jung proposed that every single person carries within them different energies, or archetypes, that want to be expressed through us. And that these energies, when not expressed, accumulate within our consciousness/psyche and manifest themselves in unhealthy ways. For example, the energy of the wild woman… Every single one of us has wild in us. Like a bear that will go fucking crazy if you go near its cubs, we too have a power in us that wants to protect what we love. We have an inner wild that longs to be free- to get dirty, to dance, to yell into the nothingness and to let out screams of passion to be carried in the wind. To be FULLY alive in our expressions. And when we don’t let this energy through, it starts to manifest itself in unhealthy ways… in the need to seek our wild through substance abuse, through violence… or we suppress it so much we become tired and apathetic.

I used to feel like I had to drink so that I could literally let loose and go crazy because I didn’t let my inner wild come through in my personality. I was always “nice”. A people pleaser.

YUCK.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

And that’s why they say that “you have to be careful of the quiet ones”…

All week leading up to temple eros, I had been having dreams of motherhood. I had been dreaming of trying to breastfeed and not being able to because I didn’t have enough breast milk. And I knew instinctively that my dreams were showing me that I wasn’t nourishing myself and my own needs. And that’s not rocket science- I knew that anyway. I haven’t been. I haven’t been nurturing myself or others in a way that I have really longed to. Because every single one of us (whether we are conscious of it or not) has a desire to nourish. To feel full from giving… to overflow.

A pattern of mine for years has been to tell myself that it is not safe to love others and I often find myself spending an excessive amount of time alone. Because I feel good in my own space…and what if others take that from me?

Hmmmm…

Yeah, sure, its nice to be alone. But if there is a belief that you can only have peace when you are alone, then there is some kind of connection block. An intimacy block. Because deep down we all want to connect on a level so fucking deep that it hurts. It’s just that often we don’t allow ourselves to.

But what if we did?

Last night, as I laid next to this woman, I quite literally felt the barrier that I had up around my heart. The invisible wall that I was holding there, strongly, to stop myself from letting love in. And to stop myself from letting love out.

Why?

Because I was too scared that my love would be… judged, rejected… or even taken from me.

I was born scared of people. Some of my first words were “I by self”. I have always had a really strong connection to “God”/source/spirit/the divine… whatever you want to call it. And I have always been able to feel the sensation of love within me. But I have NEVER known how to share it… or I have been too scared to.

Feeling that barrier that I had up, I started to breath more deeply into my belly and up to my heart. I started to allow myself to be vulnerable and to connect with the woman lying in front of me. And I felt her heart. And in a split second, it felt as though I was connecting with the hearts of all living beings as well as my own, all in one.

And I felt immense grief.

Grief at the realisation that I had been holding myself back from FULLY feeling another and letting another feel me, for so long. Grief over my own abandonment of love.

How could something so simple have been so hard?

But we all put up these masks, constantly. We all listen to the voices in our heads that say “it’s not safe to be yourself… it’s not safe to FULLY let go and love”.

Because what if the person in front of us doesn’t like what they see? And what if in all of our vulnerability and openness, we get rejected? Hurt?

And to that, I say, does it matter?

Someone is less likely to love you back if you don’t open yourself to loving them, anyway. There is either love, or there is judgement. Love is completely free of the mind. It’s no mind. And so where there is thought or judgement, there is not unconditional love. And where you listen to thought or judgement, you are not listening to love.

And when you are holding onto some kind of thought or judgement with the mind, you create a wall. And people feel those walls. And they will reflect back to you where you have got them up. Perhaps you have a fear of rejection? Then people will reject your love.

Why?

Because there is something greater than yourself, trying to crack you and open you to love. I don’t know how it knows, but it does. Wherever we are holding judgement or fear, we will be given the situations and scenarios to try and help us see through these fears. We will be given situations which will CHALLENGE the beliefs we hold so that just hopefully, we will be able to see through them to understand that our love is actually within us… and that when you are sitting within that love, there is no fear. And there can be no rejection because rejection implies that love can be taken away from you… but it cant. Because it is WITHIN you. In fact, you are it. So to believe that it can be taken from you or that you can lose love, is to believe that something outside of you is that source of love.

It aint.

And yet, wherever there is neediness (in a person, in a thing) for love, there is some kind of belief that THAT person will give you something that you cant give yourself.

For years, I thought I had the self love game down. Why do I need to spend time with others? I am happy alone.

What I didn’t know then, was that I was a love avoider. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of love so I had CONVINCED myself that I was better to spend time alone.

I was confusing COMFORT with love.

Another story. Another fear.

If you cannot be yourself or feel joy around others like you do in your own space, it is because somehow or another, you are not letting yourself be seen for fear of… well it could be a number of things… fear of rejection, fear of that person becoming too attached or needy of your love… blah blah.

I was scared of all of the above. But didn’t even realise I was scared (FUCK). The mind has AMAING ways of tricking us into believing our stories and our fears.

But when you come home to the realisation that YOU ARE LOVE (sounds cliché, I know), you realise that love cannot be taken from you.

And last night, when I realised this, I let my heart crack open. Wide open. And I saw and felt the walls around my heart dissolve. Because I realised it was safe to love. Because whether you love or not, you can still be rejected. Whether you love or not, you will still hurt. So you may as well fucking love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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