The problem is, we want things from people that we aren’t willing to give to ourselves.
To be heard.
To be seen for who we are.
To be touched.
To be given the most amazing orgasm.
To be taken out to dinner.
Have flowers bought for us.
Be told that we are loved.
And yet, how often do we do these things for ourselves?
As Rumi once said, “the longing is the return message”.
What we want, can be accessed within ourselves. By cultivating a relationship with the love that exists within ourselves, for ourselves, first.
Want love? Learn to love yourself.
Want connection? Learn how to create connection with yourself, first.
Meditate, Do yoga. Do anything that is going to bring you into a state of union with your OWN inner source of love.
Want intimacy? Learn how to be intimate with yourself first. Look at yourself in the mirror each day and say “I love you”. The same source of love that you are looking for in another is within you and so what if you can bring it alive within yourself first? Then you can share yourself from a place of intimacy, love and connectedness instead of from a place of neediness. The damsel in distress needs to be saved from the longing in her heart because she’s not willing to save herself and give herself the love she needs. A woman that is empowered will recognise her longing as a longing for God; for her own source of love. She will see the pain in her heart as an opportunity for alchemy: to sit with what she needs and to give herself that. And whilst I am not denying the power of human connection and intimacy, I am saying that human connection is much more fulfilling when we are self responsible for our own happiness and not trying to draw it from another.
“Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is out own”
I never used to be able to orgasm. Sex was never something I really LOVED. It felt good, but not great. Men didn’t know how to touch me or wake up my pleasure. And the irony is that I also didn’t know how to touch myself and access my own pleasure. It wasn’t until around 3 years ago that I really started to learn how to love and honour myself. I expected things from others that I wasn’t even doing for myself. I expected people to want me but I didn’t even know how to truly want myself. I spent ZERO time looking after myself and my own needs and so the result is that I projected this onto others. I was constantly searching for “the one”, thinking that someone would come along and bring me everything that I needed to. I fantasised about being swept off my feet by a lover. I fantasised constantly about deep love. And yet I didn’t know how to love myself. I didn’t put time into myself to nurture my creative needs. I didn’t look after my own health. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t confident. And so without even knowing it, I was fantasising and searching for someone that could provide me with what I didn’t have myself.
But this ain’t the way that things work, unfortunately. What is presented to you on the outer, is a reflection of what’s happening on the inner. So every man that I was attracted to and that I would call into my life, wasn’t able to meet my needs.
+ They couldn’t pleasure me the way that I wanted them to.
+ They weren’t honest and communicating with me in the way that I wanted them too
+ They weren’t giving me the love and attention that I wanted
+ They couldn’t fully and deeply commit to me like I wanted them to
Getting older and realising that I am responsible for owning what it is that I want and commanding from that place, I now realise that I wasn’t getting what I wanted because I wasn’t embodying the qualities I wanted in myself, first. So the reality of the situation was really this…
+ I wasn’t pleasuring myself the way that I wanted (or at all, even)
+ I wasn’t able to communicate my needs to them and so in return they weren’t able to communicate back
+ I wasn’t caring for and giving myself the love and attention that I needed ( I had absolutely no self care regime whatsoever. I hardly exercised. I overate… seems obvious where the problem was, right?)
+ I wasn’t committing anything to myself. I had no sense of purpose and had not actually reflected on what I wanted and where I was going
There is a saying, I’m not sure who it’s by but it states something along the lines of “become the person you would want to date”. And I was by no means even close to being someone that I would want to be with. In fact, I don’t think I was really embodying any of the qualities I was actually seeking in a lover.
Seems so obvious now but it wasn’t at all back then. I had no idea that what I was actually creating and calling in was actually meeting me where I was at. Because the harsh reality is, we are the creators of our own reality. As Wayne Dyer once said, “we attract what we are not what we want”.
Every possible feeling and human emotion is something that is generated from inside of us. It is created by us. So even though sometimes it can feel like the person in front of us is giving us the love that we are feeling, this is not entirely the case. You might have a heart connection with that person but that the love you feel is being created in your own heart. And that love can be cultivated in other ways, too. The deepest feelings of love that I have felt before have been in my own meditation or self pleasuring practises when I have felt God within every cell of my body, filling me with ecstatic bliss. When you are connected to the SOURCE of love (the universe, spirit, God…) then the sensation is the same as falling madly and deeply in love. Sometimes I will be out walking in nature and I’ll be filled with the same ecstasy I had when I fell in love for the first time. Love comes from an open heart, not from a person, a place or a thing. But in saying that, it is within all of those things. It is within everything- we just have to learn how to receive it.
So, ask yourself- what is it that you are looking for?
Do you honour and love yourself? Deeply?
Do you sit with yourself in silence and ask yourself: “what is it that I need?”
And when you know what it is that you need, do you give that to yourself?
Everything begins with the self.
Give yourself the love you are looking for in another.